Panophobia Chapter 4: Thoughts about Anxiety

So in the past year of not updating this blog, working, and trying to figure out what's going on in my head, I've had a lot of time to think. Think about who I am, what I want, how to get it, and why I am the way I am. I also spent a lot of time coping with my innermost struggles, and this obviously involves my anxiety, because what else am I going to use this blog for, if not discussing my mental health?

Anyway, during the year, I've taken to writing down the most common thoughts that spring to mind during panic attacks, or stressful moments, or even when everything's fine but I can still feel the anxiety hiding around the corner. So, here are some extracts from the list of thoughts:

• Is my vision getting worse, or am I just anxious?
• Stress headache, again. Fun.
• Stop thinking about it.
• Just breathe. Count your heartbeats.

• Am I actually as terrible as I think I am?
• Wow, I really dislike myself.
• I have to stop making jokes about suicide, it makes people uncomfortable.
• And while I'm at it, why don't I just stop talking altogether. Because honestly, I can never just keep my mouth shut, can I? No, of course not. Why are you still talking? You're still talking Talis.

• Am I pretty?
• Uh-oh, self confidence! That means something bad is imminent...
• Just breathe. Count your heartbeats.
• Music, music, music... sing, maybe. Or listen to your headphones. It doesn't matter what song, just get a melody in your head.
• I wonder if I can actually sing as well as I think I can.
• I have no discernible worth.

• Stop thinking about it.
• I don't know what song I want to listen to.
• Just breathe. Count your heartbeats.
• Who am I? Honestly? Because I genuinely have no idea.
• What's the point?
• Stop thinking about it.
• What's the point. 
• Tunnel vision: imminent panic attack. Shit. Get some air.

• Just breathe. Count your heartbeats.
• God this makes me incredibly self-involved, doesn't it? I hate that.
• I'm not coping, and I don't know why.
• I do know why. Stop thinking about it. 
• I feel weird.
• Stop thinking. 

• I woke up feeling weird, and I don't know what to do with that.
• I wish it was raining. That always makes me feel better. 
• Dodie is perfect for anxiety brain - I need an anxiety playlist.
• Just breathe. Count your heartbeats. 
• Why does he still have all the power?

• Stop thinking.
• Listen to music, fill up your brain, remember the lyrics, practice the melodies. 
• Why do I feel so alone?
• I'm so alone.
• Stop thinking.
• I'm so lost.
• Stop thinking.
• Focus on something else. Write something, draw, sing... anything. Please?
• Stop thinking.
• FOCUS.
• Just breathe. Count your heartbeats. Stop thinking.

That phrase came up more times that anything else in the entire year. Breathe. Count your heartbeats. Stop thinking. Breathe. Count your heartbeats. Stop thinking. Breathe. I think those three phrases have calmed me down and helped me refocus more times than I can count. It helps to have some kind of mantra, and I wasn't even aiming for that one - it just sort of happened organically. Little things helped, so I wrote about those too - music, writing, rainy days. There's a lyric from Secret For The Mad, by Dodie:

"Little things, all the stereotypes

They're gonna help you get through this one night

And there will be a day when you can say you're okay and mean it

I promise you it'll all make sense again..."

Those little things, in those tiny, enormous moments, become the most important things in the world. That melody, or idea, or the sound of rain against the windows, or a happy memory, or a good movie - those experiences become a lifeline to cling to when you are at your worst. And I was at my worst A LOT last year. So if you're going through something similar, or even if you're not, my suggestion is to write down exactly your thoughts. Because anxiety and depression are emotions, they're feelings; they aren't you, they don't have their own words. 

Your words, the way you respond to those sensations - that is who you are. The personality, the resilience, that is all you. You are amazing for even getting out of bed, and you are amazing for continuing to breathe when every impulse in your body tells you to stop. I didn't realise how brave I was being, or how much I was truly struggling, until I read a years worth of thoughts back, and noticed repeat phrases. You are important. YOU have to come first in your own life. Selfishness is taught as a negative trait, but if you're so focussed on being unselfish that you neglect the foundation of who you are, you'll collapse. I promise. So pay attention to the way you react to your own feelings, and to the way you interact with others. Write it down, along with all the other quotes that remind you just how human you are. It might save your life. 

LITTLE THINGS, ALL THE STEREOTYPES:
Here is my list of things that ease my stresses, in the hopes that it might help someone else.

• Music - here are some of my favourite ANXIETY reducers:
• DODIE - because she writes songs about mental health that also happen to be beautiful.
• REGINA SPEKTOR - because she's a literal goddess. Beyonce who?
• INGRID MICHAELSON - similar reasons, she's just so calming.
• JAMIE T - he's incredible, versatile, and each of his four albums has a totally different tone: suitable for any mood.
• ELBOW - perfect music for trying to relax to.
• BALL PARK MUSIC - Australian band with the most uplifting, nostalgic feel. 
• Singing - like to your favourite artists, or writing your own songs.
• Movies - whether that be fun action or cheesy rom-com, or balls-to-the-wall horror, whatever makes you the most relaxed or makes you feel the most grounded.
• TV Shows (see above)
• Books - "Best weapons in the world!" (Doctor Who)
• Long walks with headphones in.
• The sound of rain on the window pane. (or a rain app)
• Quotes. I keep a collection of quotes that remind me that everything will be okay. I have listed some of them below. 
• Lyrics (see above)
• Drawing/Painting/Something Creative
• Have a shower. Seriously. It helps. 

Quotes that remind me to breathe:
"Decide to be fine until the end of the week. Make yourself smile because you're alive and that's your job. Then do it again the next week. Do it right, with a smile, or don't do it." Supernatural



"Flying is learning to throw yourself at the ground and miss." Douglas Adams

 Harry Potter (I found this lovely image a long time ago on Tumblr)

"The way I see it, every life is a pile of good things and bad things; the good things don't always soften the bad things but vice versa the bad things don't always spoil the good things or make them unimportant." Doctor Who



"It's like walking around with a stone for a heart, people swimming in honey while your life falls apart." Dodie