Panophobia
Panophobia. The fear of everything. Not actually defined in any medical capacity - you can't be diagnosed with Panophobia. But I can tell you now: I have Panophobia. And it's odd because I know people who would roll their eyes, "Yeah, whatever," and I suppose on some level, I understand where that attitude comes from. Yes, I am panphobic, I am afraid of everything, but in some ways I'm not. For example, I personally, rationally, am not afraid of dying, but catch me after watching a horror movie with the urine soaked trousers, and you'll find me of a different opinion. Catch me looking at a shark, same thing. Rationally I am not scared of ANYTHING. But when you talk about fear you're not really being rational, are you?
So I have friends who are terrified of snakes, and spiders and scorpions, Oh My! And I roll my eyes, and of course I shouldn't, because I'm terrified of everything. But for some reason it's funny to me that they're scared of something, that in most cases, can't touch them. Unless you live in Australia, in which case be FUCKING afraid. But here's the issue: I roll my eyes at these things, like fear of the number 13, or in China, four or 14, it's ridiculous, to me that something so benign can be so scary, when obviously the real horror is making my own doctor's appointments.
Do you know what I'm afraid of? Myself.
It's terrifying, being me. The one thing that's more of a danger to me than anything else is me. I'm terrified of exams and relationships and people and job interviews and not getting the job and getting the job and phone calls and I go round in circles every day because I'm terrified of everything, and nothing. And I know rationally when I'm scared of these things, that I shouldn't be, and I'm not, but it's not like that is it? When your brain shuts down, rationality goes with it. Until it's just you, battling against yourself, and for some reason, you are the scariest thing your brain can come up with. You're never going to win, because the other half of you is always stronger. Now this is something that no-one that I know personally understands.Okay, that's a lie. I have a few friends who understand exactly what I mean when I say that. But relatives? Friends? Work acquaintances? People who've never suffered a mental illness, who try so hard to understand usually end up getting it so far down the wrong end of the stick that I just start not talking about it with those people, or agreeing with their misguided assumptions and misplaced anger to get through the day without confrontation.
It's hard, isn't it? Because they want to help you, and the more they can't fix you, the more frustrated they get, until eventually you get to a point where you just tell them that it's helping. Because all they want to do is help, and if they can't do that, then you become broken in their eyes, and no-one wants to be broken. You can view yourself as damaged for as long as you want, but as soon as other people start realising what you already know, it's impossible to function,
So, I have Panophobia. Because I am terrified of everything, but you know something funny? My lucky number is 13. I like to tempt fate, honestly it can go fuck itself. All jokes jokes aside, it's not the same though, is it? Yeah, my lucky number is 13, does that mean I'll ever get a tattoo? Does it mean I'll ever go skydiving or perform in front of people or do anything remotely out of my comfort zone without having a panic attack or having someone else push me to do it? NOPE. Not even a little bit. And that sucks, it really does. Because I want a tattoo. I want to go skydiving. I want to do EVERYTHING out of my comfort zone. I want to meet celebrities, which I know is a horrible idea, given my documented history of embarrassing myself. I want to meet my role models, my idols, I want to travel the world and grow up and write books and get famous and not get famous and do something ridiculous and embarrass myself on live television, and I will never, ever do any of those things. Because I'm terrified of all of them. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night sweating through my sheets because I am terrified that I'm never going to fall in love, because I'm terrified of love itself.
Do you know what it's like to go around feeling so lonely and yet being completely terrified that even if you did find someone, you'd be scared of that? If you do, we should get coffee, and talk about how fucked up we both are. Maybe we can avoid dating each other for awhile. I actually would really like to meet people who know how it feels, especially at the moment.
I am at a turning point in my life. My tickets have been booked from Australia, where I am a citizen, back to England, where I was born. My family moved to Australia when I was four, and I've been back on holidays a fair few times, but this time I have a one way ticket. That's terrifying! I just put my foot down; for once I wanted to do something for myself without feeling guilty about it for years on end, so I can grow as a person, but it's petrifying! The main reason I'm doing it is to prove to myself that even if something is scary, I can do it.
But I know me.
And my plane takes off in two weeks.
I know me.
And I'm gonna spiral.
I've already started.
Of course, no-one understands: parents, family, friends, counsellors, teachers, no-one seems to get it. It's such a weird thing, because they tell you they get it. That's what's weird about it; you know for a fact that they don't understand, and they continue to say, "I do understand. I know exactly what you're going through. I was young once. I was scared of everything when I was your age!"
Yeah, were you? What are you scared of? Losing your mortgage and not having a job and not being able to support your family - all of which are valid fears. But they're tangible. They are things that can actually happen at anytime, and everyone should be afraid of those things. I'm afraid of waking up in the morning, and going to bed, and breathing. I know that sounds like I don't have perspective, or I'm being cruel to those people who care, and I know they're trying to help. But telling those of us with Anxiety and Depression and other mental issues that they understand is NOT HELPING. IT'S MAKING ME FEEL LIKE SHIT. IT'S SO MUCH WORSE.
Just say, "I have no idea what you're going through, but tell me if I can do anything." That would be so much better. I speak for all people suffering from mental health issues when I say this. Don't presume to understand what we're going through if you've never been mindlessly panicked with no idea why on a regular basis. Do not expect us to relate to you unless you spend months in a desolate fog that you feel will never end unless you kill yourself. Just say, "I'm so sorry. Tell me how to help." That's what I do. Even with those friends who understand, we don't tell each other that. Because we don't need to - we know the other person understands, without needing to reiterate it. Friends with their own issues, that I don't understand, I follow the same rules. I don't know what it feels like to be anorexic or bulimic, or have alcoholic parents, or be in a relationship where I am physically abused, I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THAT IS LIKE. So I express my regret and my empathy, and sometimes that is enough, Sometimes you don't need anything more than SORRY. Write it on a neon sign, on your forehead, hell, scribble it on your tits - I AM SORRY FOR EVERYTHING THAT HAS HAPPENED TO YOU, EVERYTHING IN YOUR LIFE THAT IS SHITTY. SORRY, THAT IT SUCKS SO MUCH, BUT I AM HERE FOR YOU IF YOU NEED ME. (You may need to write it small if it's on your forehead or your boobs, just to fit all that in) That's all we want, and it's not going to fix everything, but we don't expect you to, and it could brighten our day or lead to something positive. It could spark a change in us or at least just give us something to smile about: that someone's noticed without trying to put themselves into it or get their head around it when it's impossible.
Panophobia is not the same as worrying about tangible things. Panophobia is just fear. 100 percent of the time, just blanket fear. So unless you are irrationally afraid, 100 percent of the time, you don't understand and you don't have the right to tell us you do. You never will.
So I have friends who are terrified of snakes, and spiders and scorpions, Oh My! And I roll my eyes, and of course I shouldn't, because I'm terrified of everything. But for some reason it's funny to me that they're scared of something, that in most cases, can't touch them. Unless you live in Australia, in which case be FUCKING afraid. But here's the issue: I roll my eyes at these things, like fear of the number 13, or in China, four or 14, it's ridiculous, to me that something so benign can be so scary, when obviously the real horror is making my own doctor's appointments.
Do you know what I'm afraid of? Myself.
It's terrifying, being me. The one thing that's more of a danger to me than anything else is me. I'm terrified of exams and relationships and people and job interviews and not getting the job and getting the job and phone calls and I go round in circles every day because I'm terrified of everything, and nothing. And I know rationally when I'm scared of these things, that I shouldn't be, and I'm not, but it's not like that is it? When your brain shuts down, rationality goes with it. Until it's just you, battling against yourself, and for some reason, you are the scariest thing your brain can come up with. You're never going to win, because the other half of you is always stronger. Now this is something that no-one that I know personally understands.Okay, that's a lie. I have a few friends who understand exactly what I mean when I say that. But relatives? Friends? Work acquaintances? People who've never suffered a mental illness, who try so hard to understand usually end up getting it so far down the wrong end of the stick that I just start not talking about it with those people, or agreeing with their misguided assumptions and misplaced anger to get through the day without confrontation.
It's hard, isn't it? Because they want to help you, and the more they can't fix you, the more frustrated they get, until eventually you get to a point where you just tell them that it's helping. Because all they want to do is help, and if they can't do that, then you become broken in their eyes, and no-one wants to be broken. You can view yourself as damaged for as long as you want, but as soon as other people start realising what you already know, it's impossible to function,
So, I have Panophobia. Because I am terrified of everything, but you know something funny? My lucky number is 13. I like to tempt fate, honestly it can go fuck itself. All jokes jokes aside, it's not the same though, is it? Yeah, my lucky number is 13, does that mean I'll ever get a tattoo? Does it mean I'll ever go skydiving or perform in front of people or do anything remotely out of my comfort zone without having a panic attack or having someone else push me to do it? NOPE. Not even a little bit. And that sucks, it really does. Because I want a tattoo. I want to go skydiving. I want to do EVERYTHING out of my comfort zone. I want to meet celebrities, which I know is a horrible idea, given my documented history of embarrassing myself. I want to meet my role models, my idols, I want to travel the world and grow up and write books and get famous and not get famous and do something ridiculous and embarrass myself on live television, and I will never, ever do any of those things. Because I'm terrified of all of them. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night sweating through my sheets because I am terrified that I'm never going to fall in love, because I'm terrified of love itself.
Do you know what it's like to go around feeling so lonely and yet being completely terrified that even if you did find someone, you'd be scared of that? If you do, we should get coffee, and talk about how fucked up we both are. Maybe we can avoid dating each other for awhile. I actually would really like to meet people who know how it feels, especially at the moment.
I am at a turning point in my life. My tickets have been booked from Australia, where I am a citizen, back to England, where I was born. My family moved to Australia when I was four, and I've been back on holidays a fair few times, but this time I have a one way ticket. That's terrifying! I just put my foot down; for once I wanted to do something for myself without feeling guilty about it for years on end, so I can grow as a person, but it's petrifying! The main reason I'm doing it is to prove to myself that even if something is scary, I can do it.
But I know me.
And my plane takes off in two weeks.
I know me.
And I'm gonna spiral.
I've already started.
Of course, no-one understands: parents, family, friends, counsellors, teachers, no-one seems to get it. It's such a weird thing, because they tell you they get it. That's what's weird about it; you know for a fact that they don't understand, and they continue to say, "I do understand. I know exactly what you're going through. I was young once. I was scared of everything when I was your age!"
Yeah, were you? What are you scared of? Losing your mortgage and not having a job and not being able to support your family - all of which are valid fears. But they're tangible. They are things that can actually happen at anytime, and everyone should be afraid of those things. I'm afraid of waking up in the morning, and going to bed, and breathing. I know that sounds like I don't have perspective, or I'm being cruel to those people who care, and I know they're trying to help. But telling those of us with Anxiety and Depression and other mental issues that they understand is NOT HELPING. IT'S MAKING ME FEEL LIKE SHIT. IT'S SO MUCH WORSE.
Just say, "I have no idea what you're going through, but tell me if I can do anything." That would be so much better. I speak for all people suffering from mental health issues when I say this. Don't presume to understand what we're going through if you've never been mindlessly panicked with no idea why on a regular basis. Do not expect us to relate to you unless you spend months in a desolate fog that you feel will never end unless you kill yourself. Just say, "I'm so sorry. Tell me how to help." That's what I do. Even with those friends who understand, we don't tell each other that. Because we don't need to - we know the other person understands, without needing to reiterate it. Friends with their own issues, that I don't understand, I follow the same rules. I don't know what it feels like to be anorexic or bulimic, or have alcoholic parents, or be in a relationship where I am physically abused, I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THAT IS LIKE. So I express my regret and my empathy, and sometimes that is enough, Sometimes you don't need anything more than SORRY. Write it on a neon sign, on your forehead, hell, scribble it on your tits - I AM SORRY FOR EVERYTHING THAT HAS HAPPENED TO YOU, EVERYTHING IN YOUR LIFE THAT IS SHITTY. SORRY, THAT IT SUCKS SO MUCH, BUT I AM HERE FOR YOU IF YOU NEED ME. (You may need to write it small if it's on your forehead or your boobs, just to fit all that in) That's all we want, and it's not going to fix everything, but we don't expect you to, and it could brighten our day or lead to something positive. It could spark a change in us or at least just give us something to smile about: that someone's noticed without trying to put themselves into it or get their head around it when it's impossible.
Panophobia is not the same as worrying about tangible things. Panophobia is just fear. 100 percent of the time, just blanket fear. So unless you are irrationally afraid, 100 percent of the time, you don't understand and you don't have the right to tell us you do. You never will.
Quite a profound and powerful read!
ReplyDeleteI have no idea what you're going through, let me know if I can do anything :) TG out.